From Desire to Emptiness 갈망에서 비움으로

                                                           

      (written in 2002)

I'm always so happy and joyful to read “Tao Te Ching”. While reading this classical masterpiece, I felt I was constantly cleansed, renewed, and refreshed in many ways. Let me first share with you my personal experience of the inner journey from self-centered desire to emptiness.

 Several years ago, I was filled with a selfish desire to study abroad. I wanted to go to the United States for further study. I thought it would be very desirable for me to study the required courses in English. I even made a request to my Superior Provincial for a chance to study abroad. Nevertheless, my earnest request was not heard at all. My suggestion was rejected without further question at that time. It was probably not my time. Then, I sprained my ankle and suffered for about two months in plaster. I was somewhat hurt because of my inner shock.

 Instead of going abroad, I had to come to the Religious Theological Institute at Chongdong along with my fellow sisters. I felt I was humiliated in some way, but I realized later on that it was an intuitive opportunity to be here together with my group. While studying there for two years, I have learned the importance of togetherness, humility, and community, which bring simple joy and happiness by means of being together with people around. Through my inward suffering mainly due to the selfish desire towards more achievement, I learned the prior value of emptying my mind, yielding, or giving up myself for others. Of course, it took some time for me to empty my desire. As time went on, I became happier and more grateful than before. And I began to think about a different value, which is very close to the value of non-doing, non-being, or emptiness, as is explained continually in “Tao Te Ching”.

 What I learned most from this book is the fullness of a life-giving spirit by means of emptiness. It's not a compact fullness with lots of doing but emptiness with non-doing and non-being, which makes us be fully present at the given moment. In fact, emptiness is a driving force or a stepping stone to everything. “Tao Te Ching”, in the chapter11, says that " We join spokes together in a wheel but it is the center hole that makes the wagon move. We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want. We hammer wood for a house, but it is the inner space that makes it livable. We work with being, but non-being is what we use."

 It is the emptiness inside that moves something. Whether it is a wheel, a pot, or a house, it is the emptiness that makes each being or presence to be the fullest, effective, and usable. How about me? Am I becoming whole and great because of my status, ability, or knowledge? No, I don't think so. What makes me happier and more fruitful is not my outward appearance or achievement but my inner capability to be filled with love, sympathy, sharing, joy, and communion. Only when I empty myself, I can just simply be for others.

 When my heart is empty, I can be infinitely capable and inexhaustible for the sake of others only. I can give birth to something and nourish it without possessing it by myself. I can act and behave freely and willingly without any expectations from others. I can even lead others without trying to control them. Possession and expectation due to selfish desire can wither or weaken the heart. When I do neither seek nor expect, I can be fully present and welcome all things without reserved prejudice and pride. When I empty my desires and thoughts, I can be more peaceful. If I have no personal possession and desire, I can surely do something more for others and thus be happier. The more I give to others, the wealthier I am, as chapter 40 of “Tao Te Ching” says.

 It is truly a mystery of sharing and interrelationship with pure love. In the midst of weakness, inner strength shines and true power comes out; out of nothingness, we become something whole and full; rebirth follows after death. It is something like kenosis, the self-emptiness of Jesus. Chapter 22 of “Tao Te Ching” says as follows: "If you want to become whole, let yourself be partial. If you want to become straight, let yourself be crooked. If you want to become full, let yourself be empty. If you want to be reborn, let yourself die. If you want to be given everything, give everything up." 

 The Korea Times/ Thoughts of the Times/ Nov. 23, 2002