(written in 2003)
I remember that one of the benefits I received from studying spiritual theology was to look at myself as I am. Having some occasions or opportunities to do so is always rewarding and inspiring. Looking at myself, I realized that the most merciful Lord has always been with me day in and day out.
It is His most generous presence that has changed me to be His apostle. I was once lost and wandered a lot, but his love has been always much greater than my feeling of being lost. No matter where I am, He is constantly here with me. That's what I am now.
Surely, a mutual relationship in love is the most crucial task in religious life. I'm experiencing that work itself is not the ultimate goal, but only the secondary means of life. Work performed without love is useless and less precious. I can achieve many things, but only doing the work with love, and with others, makes my accomplishments more meaningful, valuable, cheerful, and lively.
With some difficulty in broader human relationships, I am realizing that I am also eager to have a good, desirable, and friendly relationship with others from the depth of my heart. I am constantly longing for friendship with others. My distorted views and pain from childhood experiences are just obstacles to be healed and overcome. The more I live in the religious community, the deeper I experience that we are social beings. We are inclined to cooperate with one another. I need others, and others need me.
My life is a gift and a miracle. My stubborn heart, my subjective interpretation of objective reality, my attachment, and my prejudice were major obstacles leading to misunderstanding and unbalanced relationships with others. My own problems came out of my own heart, not from others, such as my parents, brothers, sisters, or friends.
Looking at my reality, I have become more understanding and gentle towards others. As if looking at a clear mirror, I'm glad and grateful to see, face, and accept myself as I am without any disguise. I believe that accepting myself as I am can surely lead me to a fuller, freer, and more peaceful spiritual life. Looking at the true self is a stepping stone for broader relationships with others around. I still have a problem, but I am constantly going forward. While going on this inner journey, I am happy to appreciate the beauty of my mother's presence in my life.
I think the mother is like a person who waters a tree. Mother is a person giving shelter against strong wind. Mother always wishes and prays for the goodness of her children. Mother is such a good person. There was a time for I not to be able to appreciate the generosity of my mother when I was a little child. It was especially because I wasn't satisfied with her way of love.
Giving birth to me in her old age, she did her best to take care of me. Nevertheless, I wasn't happy that she was older than the mothers of my friends. In spite of my emotional reaction, my mother was always near me with the most generous help. Her divine presence has been with me in more ways than I can describe.
Unlike her younger sister, my mother didn't like to study. So she simply gave up studying. Naturally, she didn't ask me to study hard. While growing up, I discovered her merits one by one. Especially when I reflect on her sacrifice and devotion, my heart is filled with gratitude. She is so devoted and faithful that she enjoys praying regularly.
A few years ago, she even pointed out the fact that I don't pray hard during my vacation. Last year, she was somewhat different from before. She simply prays by herself without asking me to pray together. She just shows her example of praying alone; whenever it's time to pray, she just prays. It's good and encouraging to see her pray almost three or four times a day. Now, praying became her daily habit, which made her more peaceful, understanding, happy, and enduring.
My mother lost her three sons when they were still young. She also lost her husband twenty-seven years ago. Nobody can fully understand her suffering and solitude due to their deaths. With perseverance, she became a very devoted person. Her biggest hope is the well-being of her children and grandchildren. Of course, she expands her prayer to other neighbors. If her children give her some money, she likes to spend it all on her grandchildren. She doesn't spend much for her own sake; she enjoys doing things for others.
Truly, she bears an image of a traditional Korean mother - that of sacrifice and service. What I recognize these days from her are some rewarding merits such as patience, silence, prayer, helping others, sacrifice, affection, consideration, self-control, etc. Understanding and endurance have given her wisdom. Her presence is calm, devoted, and inspiring.
She also knows how to take care of herself. One of her hopes is to die without the disease. So she keeps praying regularly and visiting her children and neighbors. Her bones and knees are growing weaker, but she is wise enough to manage her condition. She is 84 years old now, but she can still go around by herself. Blessed is she. Her praying spirit is always around me.
The Korea Times/ Thoughts of the Times/ Jan. 15, 2003
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