(written in 2003)
Various works have been given to me, and there will be more work to do in the near future. I have a tendency to give priority to the work itself than the needs of the people involved. I have a more primitive sense of self-fulfillment than of building deeper and broader human relationships.
What is the root cause of this? I sometimes ask myself. I think it's partly because of my inability to make free, open, and broad human relationships. And I try to cover my weakness by doing a lot of work, in the name of self-achievement. Deep inside me, I am constantly and eagerly longing for true and intimate relationships with others. Nevertheless, this yearning has often been substituted for something else.
I have been afraid of developing human relationships mainly because of my memories of past mistakes and failures. I also have a wound from childhood alienation and rejection. In retrospect, I have had many people close to me, but I just wasn't able to make an intimate human relationship. It's true: my wound is still not completely healed.
The problem is that I am still following the childish steps of being attached to somebody whom I like and love more. It just happens to me from time to time. In my life, I have encountered many people with whom I felt deeper affection. Much energy was taken from me because of the tension and conflict this problem caused. So far, I have done my best to do my apostolic duty, but my heart is still torn occasionally because of my biased love for those around me. I did many works with all my heart, but also with unfulfilled dreams and selfish desires.
As time goes by, I realize that the most precious thing in my life is not some work or activity but my present being. Surely, true happiness or joy comes from my “being” living together with other people in a community. Then, I am fully exposed to facing my own vulnerable personality. Being attached to someone brings tension, happiness, and a chance for self-examination.
Faced with my own reality, I have nothing to say. I just feel I need much prayer and the healing power of the Holy Spirit. Being a perpetual beginner, I am constantly renewing myself. My being is alive with unconditional and compassionate love.
The goal of my apostolic mission is to proclaim the joyful and life-giving messages of the Good News to every creature. Nothing can substitute for the mysterious and redemptive stories of Christ. Inner qualities necessary to proclaim the utmost joy would be prophetic vision, responsibility towards history, pastoral concern and zeal, universal solidarity, the ardor of faith, fraternal communion, self-surrender, courage, gratuitousness, wise discernment, creativity, dialogue, collaboration, sharing, accepting the fatigue and sufferings of the apostolate, praying unceasingly and the ability to value and to promote the good that is in every person and culture.
These inner qualities are what I should learn and follow day in and day out. I have a long way to go to overcome the discrepancy between my reality and my ideal. I'm powerless and weak by myself. In spite of my personal limits, I am happy to see that I have a calling to be a Pauline apostle with the graceful help of God's love. Like full blooms, I am breathing to the fullest just because of this compassionate love. My choice or priority will make my life different as Robert Frost says in “The Road Not Taken.” “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I _/ I took the one less traveled by,/ And that has made all the difference.”
The Korea Times/ Thoughts of the Times/ March 24, 2003
No comments:
Post a Comment