(written in 2004)
Everything is coming up in spring. Azalea, forsythia, magnolia, cherry blossoms, violet, etc. are in full bloom around the country. Their cheerful and colorful looks seem to sing the joy of being renewed after the long and dark winter. Their waiting and silence bring much delight and consolation after considerable suffering and endurance.
In Catholicism, we spend 40 days of Lent every year just before celebrating the peace of resurrection in spring. The Lenten season was very special and meaningful to me this year especially because one of our members passed away just three days before the Holy Week. She suffered from breast cancer and received several anti-cancer treatments for a long time without avail. The cancer was already spreading all over her body, even to the bones.
She earnestly wanted to recover and begin her life again, but it was too late. In front of her life, I was rather afraid of facing her and joining in her pain because of her usual negative comments on my words and behaviors while living together in the same community. She was witty, bright, and humorous, but she was the type of person who easily points out and criticizes others' faults and weaknesses. She often made me embarrassed by means of direct and honest advice even in front of others.
I appreciate her clear opinion and admit her brilliant talent, but I was somewhat hurt by her natural style. So there was some distance between us. As one of my seniors, I expected her to be more generous and understanding. However, nobody could correct her negative and critical point of view, for that was her way of living. Of course, I can't judge her intention and conscience. I even don't know her inner world to the fullest. She was a member of the choir and even joined in recording a CD last year in the midst of medical treatment. She was also good at calligraphy and painting as well. And she promised to be a cook when she got well again.
When she was still with us, I didn't fully understand the meaning of suffering. I often thought suffering is due to unwise management and control of the self. I couldn't fully realize the meaning of redemption and recompense through personal suffering and death. As Jesus dies for us all, somebody suffers on behalf of others.
Living in the network of this world, we often ask about the meaning of misery and pain. Why should innocent people suffer from disease and other disasters? Many good people endure much, sometimes beyond human understanding and acceptance. Why?
No matter how deep and various our reasons are, the fundamental truth is that somebody gives up, suffers, and dies for me and others. Recalling her who just passed away, I could realize the path toward the heavens more vividly. God is so good, merciful, and generous that he makes us pray constantly for those who are suffering and dying. During her last days, she felt most difficulties in eating because her lips and mouth were so prickly and painful. Her nose was running, but she couldn't notice. Her hands, feet, and the back of her head were getting blue as if bruised.
While observing her way of dying, I found out that I wasn't fully reconciled with her because of her unhappy memories of her. Looking at her struggling in pain, I even felt she had better entrust her life to the hands of God without attaching and clinging to the string of life with inexpressible pain. Then, I began to think of something good about her. When I had a chance to take a walk with her several times, she listened to me sincerely. She also gave me a hat that I cherish. There was something lovely.
It was only after her death that I truly realized the redemptive meaning of suffering. If I had known its profound message before, I could have been more generous and understanding. Anyhow, I could learn one lesson from this experience. My inner eyes have become broadened and more sympathetic.
She expressed in her notebook that "I really have had a hard time for several months now. I don't know what will happen to me, but I would like to entrust everything and be grateful... Let me not forget the fact that God is always with me. The Lord is always with me beyond all situations. If I lose its meaning, the great meaning of my suffering will disappear. ... When I call the name of god when I look for his presence and go to him, he will surely call me more loudly than me and come to welcome me. Being aware of his coming! How painful it was! let me accept it as recompense. It is heard that 54 days of the ring Rosary is going to end tomorrow. It was a good experience for one another. It also encouraged me greatly. The fact that I am not alone and, above all, the fact that I'm loved much have become a great strength to me. I'm so grateful for this again and again. I am thankful for every moment that I felt and experienced the power of prayer as well as the abundant brotherly love. I am also grateful for the Lord and sisters... I have to entrust everything. Endless entrustment. It is a series of entrusts. Let me pray and entrust with trust, love, and gratitude so that the glory of the Lord can be revealed."
We are still facing various kinds of suffering, disease, confrontation, political dispute, and war in this world. Many people are still struggling and put some questions to know the reasons why such things happen to us. Why do such things happen to me and you?
If we read the redemptive sign of suffering and all negative happenings, we will be renewed to be the light and salt of the world. Then, we will truly work for reconciliation and harmony between senior and junior, wife and husband, employer and employee, the poor and the rich, and parents and children. Every living being will draw life from this peaceful unity among people.
We are now celebrating the joy of rebirth. In spring, it is very easy to find out the signs of being renewed and refreshed. All kinds of sprouts tell and show us the renewing life force to begin again after much silence and perseverance. My feeling for a sister with negative and critical points of view has been also changed. There is surely some underlying and unconscious force and reason for such an attitude.
The crucial point is to understand and accept the given situation as it is. Sometimes it can hurt us, but the truth is always there to console and encourage us. It would be more lovely and peaceful to show compassion and generosity towards others before demanding them to be compassionate.
The Korea Times/ Thoughts of the Times on April 16, 2004
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